Trouble in paradise

2006-06-20T15:37:00.000-05:00

test

I am finally validated...

2006-05-31T10:41:00.000-05:00

Most of the tests & quizzes on OK'Q'PID are lame at best... But I liked this one because it was well written, humorous… And erudite… And also because it totally confirmed my suspicions that I am a ‘god of gods’…

Amun
Indeed, you are 87% erudite, 70% sensual, 54% martial, and 37% saturnine.

Amun was a mysterious God indeed. His very name basically means "what is hidden", "what is not seen", "what cannot be seen", and though even his form was said to be “unknown”, he was depicted as a man with the head of a uraeus (cobra), or a man seated on a throne and holding in one hand the sceptre, and in the other the ankh.

All secrets aside, what we do know is that Amun was the Egyptian King of the Gods, not unlike his counterparts Zeus (Greek mythology) and Odin (Norse mythology). With his ruling might over the Gods, Amun soon became associated with the Pharaohs.

Being responsible for the creation of the world, it is not surprising that he was also the God of fertility, reproduction, and sexual power, and thus also the God of agriculture. With the combined powers of regeneration and royalty, Amun became linked to the sun and the great God Ra, becoming known as Amun-Ra, which pretty much consolidated his status as Supreme God.

In spite of Amun's political ascension, he also enjoyed popularity among the common people of Egypt, who came to call him the vizier of the poor, the protector of the weak, and an upholder of justice.

The Fifteen Gods

These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in …

…all or none of the four variables: Dagda. … Erudite: Thoth. … Sensual: Frey. … Martial: Mars. … Saturnine: Mictlantecuhtli. … Erudite & Sensual: Amun. … Erudite & Martial: Odin. … Erudite & Saturnine: Anubis. … Sensual & Martial: Zeus. … Sensual & Saturnine: Cernunnos. … Martial & Saturnine: Loki. … Erudite, Sensual & Martial: Lug. … Erudite, Sensual & Saturnine: Coyote. … Erudite, Martial & Saturnine: Hades. … Sensual, Martial & Saturnine: Pan.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 79% on erudite

You scored higher than 25% on sensual

You scored higher than 41% on martial

You scored higher than 13% on saturnine

Link: The Mythological God Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Early morning in the N.C.

2005-12-18T11:12:00.000-05:00

Here I was in North Carolina last year... Or I should say... Here is a bunch of fog and me absorbing all of its moist, sticky goodness... Keeps the skin hydrated well...

I had these pictures saved as 'drafts' way back when, so I figured I'd post 'em up before getting down to the business of rejuvenating this blog.

My other girl 'Jenny'

2005-12-15T10:44:00.000-05:00

Here's my girl Jenny, barely visible way out there, she doesn't play well with others, she though she doesn't mind them looking at her "rear-end." Jenny's an antisocial little bitch, but I love her anyway...

She did pose for the camera here, after I had just ridden her hard. She's a Yamaha 1300GPR 2-stroke 1300cc, heavily modified, and tops out at about 72 MPH.

A picture of my Kitten...

2005-09-13T18:46:00.000-05:00

Apparently, when you have a blog, it is requisite that from time-to-time you post pictures of your cuddly little friends in cute outfits…
Not to be left out…

Kitten... my soul-mate:

2005-06-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

Kitten is the only person I know with a sex-drive equal to mine... When it comes to the position of ‘wing-man’, there is no better, than a beautiful, young lesbian with an off-the-chart libido… trust me. Prior to her leaving for school, we were schooling each other on the various aspects and skills in the ‘art’ of the ‘pickup’, her strengths lying in evoking immediate visual stimulation and casually oozing sex-appeal, causing male and female alike to drop to their knees and beg her to spit on them… Mine in wearing down defenses, circumventing negative preconceptions, and evading the pepper-spray [just kidding…]
She’s openly impressed by the way I overcome my physical appearance stumbling blocks using wit and personality, and constantly studies my technique… She’s teaching me how to apply my make-up for better effect…

Enter the dragon... hooooaaaaahhh:

2005-03-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

The new ink painstakingly punctured into my poor widdle back over a delightful 3 ½ hour conversation, and a spot of tea in North Carolina. This custom designed dragon was created by award wining artist Mike Eaton of No Regrets Tattooing and Body Piercing @ 3999 Hillsborough st. Raleigh NC 27607… who specializes in Oriental style tattoos like dragons, demons and kanji.

All back-zits have been digitally removed to enhance your viewing pleasure. Also… before anyone who is literate in Mandarin tells me that the kanji across my beautifully formed shoulders does not say anything that makes sense. They are individually rendered Calligraphic representations meant to be observed as if they were displayed on a wall… as they have been… in my mother’s home since my birth. They read… “Wet paint – do not touch!”

I think I failed:

2005-02-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	1.7% I wouldn't shake hands, if I were you	65.1%
Shamelessness	38.1% Puts 'em on the glass	79.3%
Sex Drive	10.5% Humps fire hydrants when nobody's looking	77.6%
Straightness	0% Knows the other body type like a map	44.6%
Gayness	92.9% Repressed, are we?	83.8%
Fucking Sick	38.9% Don't look in the basement	90%
You are 30.69% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Ask Dr. Strangelove:

2005-02-04T13:40:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me, is aware that I am a ‘jack-of-all-trades, master of some.’ This is not due to any particular skills or exceptional ability; I just have an insatiable appetite for life, knowledge, and… well just about anything really.
Anyone who has had sex with me [… even hot, sweaty prison bitch sex… yes, Raul, that means you]… additionally knows that I am a life student of the art. Years of research in the forms of porn-mags, videos, impromptu discussion, self-help books, Dr. Ruth, ‘experimentation’ and self-pleasuring have left me with a wealth of experience that allows me to consider the ‘Kama Sutra’… light reading on the subject.
The old saying goes, “Those who cannot do… teach.” However… I am the exception to this rule, and never hesitate to share my vast knowledge with anyone who asks… or who will listen.
Hence I offer as proof to all ye non-believers, some excerpts from an email response to a question asked of me, by a dear friend and ‘wing-man,’ who upon reading this post will immediately recognize that I did not ask his permission… tough areola buddy. That’s what you get for letting that girl [yeah… you know the one] take pictures of me sleeping, and ‘pitching my little pup-tent,’ when we were roommates.
Don’t worry; all the names have been changed to protect the guilty:

“Lance,”

“… from you was the eloquently written Dear Dr. Strangelove letter of… …in large part devoted to the ‘love that shall have no name’… except maybe... turd tapping, rump wrangling, poo-poo pirating, bonkey buccaneering, ass assimilating, corn-hole cramming, stool stumping, bowel bandoleroing, hoop humping, ring reaming, rectum rearranging, doo-doo damaging, oh to hell with it I'm getting’ bored (…hey 'bottom boring',) anyway, what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own hole… I mean home, is nobody’s business”

“You have to ask yourself as a man... if you are comfortable with that situation, most men are more than happy to be the givers… …when it comes to being on the receiving end, they are more averse to it. Psychologically they are insecure about the doubts it places on their sexuality and masculinity, and they are usually uncomfortable not being in control of the situation.”

“Most women fantasize about penetrating a man's bunghole with a dildo, vibrator, cigar tube, vegetable, finger or assorted kitchen utensils (coincidentally, if you piss them off, the list can grow to include any number of imaginable impalements.)”

“Yes, irrespective of the Prostate stimulation which more often than not leads to ejaculation, it is a scientific fact that what you speak of in regards to the female anatomy is perfectly true… …women do derive greater pleasure from the penetrative stimulation of the anus and accompanying rectum, than men do. This is entirely due to the physical location and makeup of the nerve tree structure of which you have been made aware of.”

“… my advice is, if you wish to explore the new career of ‘orifice cleaning’, to start slowly (as you would if the situation is reversed), developing trust. Open communication and preparation is critical, as doing a 'dry run' (pun intended) … …could lead to irreparable damage to the rectum… and relationship. All that being said, it's been so long between your email and my reply, that knowing you, you've already been there… done that.”

“Enjoy having your cylinder re-honed… so to speak... and as you know, there is nothing you can talk to me about, that I haven't already tried once or six times... hey... it's my job, I make it safe for everyone else.”

“Your fiend, confidant, and confessor,”

“Trouble "When you said you like it up the bum... I thought you meant yours!" Forall.”

Lance’s response,

“Errr,, ahhh,,, I think I meant re-honing HER cylinder!!!”

“Sincerely,”

“Lance ‘Hey you kids, don't put your lips on that!’ Johnson”

There you have it… expert advice from ‘Dr. Strangelove.’ Now that I have vividly displayed my OBVIOUS credentials… feel free to post any burning questions… or questions about burning sensations… that you may have… and I will gleefully counsel you or provide a demonstration if necessary.

Tempted 2 touch:

2005-01-21T19:22:00.000-05:00

Found another pictcha. Dis ya man, Rupee, is a 'wicked' singer. "Tempted to touch," his hit single was #1 pun de Billboard Charts for ova a month.

(Eat my name dropping shorts, I've stood next to a sort of famous person... and I've got the damn Restraining Order to prove it!)

The post that crawled from the primordial post soup:

2005-01-13T16:31:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning out my archive folders and found this picture of me with my “1'st lady” [AKA “Mom”] after a race… so I am posting it here to forever go down in the annals of this page, as a standing testament to what it could have been… instead of the spiraling degradation that it will swiftly undergo, to become what will one day probably be used in ‘Web-designer’ schools as a visual aid in “What not to do to an innocent webpage against its will - 101.” Yes good folks, basten yer safety felts, the ride from here on will be designated all downhill and under the influence… promise.

(Some of the individuals in the above photo are in the witness protection program, therefore their eyes have been replaced with little black bars, so that it will be impossible to recognize them. Sure the procedure hurt a little, and now they constantly bump into furniture… but on the upside, their other four senses have been enhanced to superhuman levels.)

99 things only I care about:

2004-08-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

1. Since technically this first entry is about the list itself, there will be only 98 things about me on the list.

2. I do not like people who over-use the words “I”, “me” and “my”… but for the purpose of this list “I” will make an exception.

3. My typing is very slow… by the time I finish this list… every thing on it will no longer apply.

4. I never conform when I’m supposed to… I wait and do it much later when no one is expecting me to.

5. I got my left ear pierced at 18 and have accumulated 5 other piercings since.

6. I am the most interesting person I know. This may or may not be a good thing.

7. I am not a nerd or computer geek… So don’t call me that.

8. I do not own an MP3 player, or IPOD or whatever they are.

9. I am not a “pretty-boy” and that does not bother me.

10. I have never met my biological father.

11. I have no use for “organized” sports.

12. I am an overly sexual person… more than ten other individuals will corroborate this.

13. I am sexually uninhibited.

14. I do not prefer quickie sex.

15. I do not have a “type.”

16. I have dated three consecutive gymnastics instructors… They could not keep up.

17. I prefer to date women who are bi-sexual… I find they are less inhibited in their sexuality in general.

18. I have seriously injured myself while having sex… more than once.

19. I love porn.

20. I willingly support Strippers through their college careers.

21. I am extremely good in bed…

22. I state only facts… Often, people mistake this for tactlessness, insensitivity or bragging.

23. I do not lie.

24. Okay… I lied about that, I meant…

25. If I cannot answer a question truthfully I will not.

26. Or I’ll give an option… “Do you want the truth or a lie?”… Depending on the situation.

27. I refuse to analyze this part of me.

28. I am secretly married to my Jeep and wave-runner (don’t tell…)

29. I don’t litter, and people who do… have my utter disrespect.

30. I absolutely do not care what anyone thinks of me… unless she’s cute.

31. I do not subscribe to the theory of ‘profane language’ or ‘taboo subjects.’

32. I could flirt professionally if it were a career option… and make a good living.

33. At a formal party, I got a girl to flash me while her date was in the bathroom.

34. A few minutes later I got her mother to flash me as well.

35. Her mom had nicer boobs, she agreed with me.

36. I have no phobias (except Phobaphobia – fear of phobias)

37. I will… and have eaten almost everything edible including; alligator, bear, reindeer, snake and live octopi.

38. I do not eat Veal… on principle.

39. Sushi is my favorite food. Nigiri is my preference.

40. I love doing laundry (this is not a joke.)

41. I love cooking… especially for someone else.

42. I love sewing… especially costumes.

43. I love interior decorating.

44. I am well groomed and in touch with my feminine side.

45. I am not gay… I swear.

46. I often spend more than three consecutive hours grocery shopping.

47. I have been to a supermarket in a mini-dress.

48. I cannot walk past cheesecake, Cheetos or french-fries.

49. Although I smoke, drink, rarely exercise or get enough sleep… I can run 10 consecutive 6-minute miles on a whim.

50. I love all Cheeses equally.

51. I maintain total control of my Body Mass Index.

52. I have sutured myself on several occasions.

53. Whiney, finicky or picky people irritate me… so suck it up bitch!

54. Neurotic people get on my nerves… I did not like “Seinfeld.”

55. Self-obsessed people too… I do not like “Sex and the city.”

56. I am compulsive about light switches, closing doors, and straightening crooked towels.

57. It does not bother me if other people are not.

58. I can fix, build or install anything within reason… with no prior experience.

59. I have an aversion to body hair… in general.

60. Smoking weed makes me vomit.

61. I have not had sex with a prostitute… yet.

62. I love animals (no… not in ‘that’ way)… I do not love pets.

63. In the last fifteen years, I have owned 28 automobiles… none new.

64. I have driven into 3 automobile accidents… been a passenger in 14.

65. I cannot speak any foreign languages… I have tried… I just can’t.

66. I once slept on the floor for 3 consecutive years.

67. My favorite color is black… no, green… no, blue… no, grey…

68. I have 14 tattoos… none in color.

69. I have had a hangover for more than 48 hours.

70. I have worked 56 straight hours without food, water or sex because my job required it. I am not a workaholic.

71. I sleep on my back with my arms over my head.

72. I cannot switch off, fall asleep during, or walk out of a movie of my own free will until it is over.

73. I usually read several books at a time and do not finish some.

74. I am beginning to realize that I’m kind of weird.

75. No houseplant has ever survived my gross neglect.

76. I have lacerated people to their souls with words alone.

77. I have been involved in more ‘street altercations’ than I can count.

78. I’m not really proud of the last three.

79. Locking my keys in my car is something I do regularly.

80. I appreciate sarcasm, puns, irony and innuendo… when it’s done well.

81. I’m a wicked deadly shot with several different handguns… I do not hunt.

82. I have tended bar “on and off” since I became of legal age.

83. I do not wear underwear.

84. On a girlfriend’s request, I have tended bar wearing her thong underwear (… red and yellow flames.)

85. I have been told that I should have been a professional masseuse.

86. I have also been told that I should have been a professional ‘asshole.’

87. I sing very well… but rarely in public.

88. Sometimes I hear voices in my head… but they mostly sing too.

89. I chair-dance in my car at stoplights.

90. I only wear only black athletic socks… I always have over 50 pairs.

91. I have not worn a watch in over 10 years.

92. I do not wear jewelry, unless it is stainless steel… and penetrates my body.

93. I have a photographic memory… but have mostly killed it with alcohol.

94. I do not celebrate my birthday… or usually even remember it.

95. I have traveled extensively..

96. I do not cheat.

97. I can create beautiful drawings or sculptures… but not in color.

98. I have no prejudices. Seriously.

99. I am really good in bed…

The Unusual Suspects

2004-07-30T15:03:00.000-05:00

Characters integral to my storyline… In no particular order:

Wayne – The guy I would refer to as my ‘best-friend’ if we were still in High School… He runs his own company, which is fortunate because he loves him some expensive toys, including a redneck sized Ford F-250 truck, high-end multi-media and a new cell phone every week. Wayne is big and stubborn, but loyal as the year is long. A founder of the Cayman chapter of the United Stripper College Fund (USCF), he serves as the organization’s ‘Minister of Transport.’

Big ‘P’ – Is Wayne’s second in command… If I accidentally cross him, I will just kill myself. Very loyal to Wayne in a ‘take the locations of the bodies to the grave with him’ kind of way, he extends his friendship to me and I gladly accept. Deadly with the ladies, he possesses the ability to simultaneously cause bikers to lose bladder control, and relieve them of their girlfriends. He is also a founding member of the USCF, and is ‘Head of Delegate Security.’

Kitten – The girl who is quite possibly my soul mate… We have everything important in common; she loves drinking and chasing women. She is up for any hi-jinks I can dream up, and unlike every other woman in my life… She has never given me a moment’s stress… I cannot explain her fully within the constraints of language. She is a full member of the USCF with all privileges, currently acting ‘Special Liaisons Officer.’

Missy – My only straight female friend… I would walk on glass if she asked. But she wouldn’t…

Lance – My wingman of days gone by, I only see him when he returns for visits. While he lived here we spent much time carousing together, now residing with his beautiful lady in California, where he is an avid surfer, a full member of the San Diego chapter of the USCF, and works as a helicopter pilot. Our stories could fill a book… Many people might actually buy it… He named the dog ‘Lance…’

Chiquita – My current ‘girl-friend’, a petite beauty from the Dominican Republic.

Stanley – My father and good friend… He is Hugh Hefner, but younger and without the mansion. He always introduces us to people as brothers (and they believe him…) and once pawned off the elder of two girls (She was 24) he was with at a nightclub, on me. He’s only slightly more ‘settled’ now, and he’s a lifetime honorary member of the Jamaica chapter of the USCF.

My eldest son – As himself… He’s 8 years old… He reads the newspaper and destroys video games. A future member of the USCF.

My youngest son – As himself… Who is 7… He hates reading and destroys everything else. Also a future member.

My mom – As herself… The original Trouble-maker, the toughest woman I know, keeper of the peace.

My sister – As herself… The ‘Anti-Trouble’, responsible member of society, teacher of many small children, keeper of the flame.

My Brother – As himself… The younger Trouble, studying for his ‘masters-degree’, keeper of the video-game high scores.

Brolaw – My sister’s husband, one half Yardie [from Jamaica] and one whole great guy, keeper of pit-bulls and mini-bikes. Full member of the Jamaica chapter of the USCF.

Shayne – Wayne’s good friend and my good drinking buddy… Ex-Special Op’s. Marine, now a cop, fellow ‘bald-head’, funny as hell, deadlier than hell… USCF (Cayman) full member.

Mitch – My good drinking buddy and fellow pool player… Mitch is Canadian, but has lived here over ten years working as a cop; he rides a ‘rice-rocket’ and has set his apartment on fire several times whilst cooking drunk.

Dag – Another good drinking buddy and general ‘player’… Dag is from New York, also here for many years working as a cop, when off-duty he is a party animal.

PJ – Drinking and darts buddy, born Caymanian who rides [and occasionally crashes] a wicked black Aprilla [Italian race-bike] and shares my interests of darts, drinking and fish keeping.